My So Called CRAZY Mom Life!

People ask me all the time, "How do you do it?" Well here you go…..

Category Archives: Parenting

SEX EDUCATION

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Chapter 1

(because I’m sure there will be 500 more chapters to this)

While driving in the car with my daughter and her friend we started talking about them going into fifth grade next year. I was asking them the basic mom questions like; are you excited? Are you nervous? Blah, Blah, Blah. Both start giggling like little girls do and say, “they must take a sex class.” I start laughing…..you mean Sex Education? They start giggling even more and say, yes! Then before I could get my ducks in a row or even find my dam ducks, the flipping questions start!

Question #1

My daughter: Are they going to teach me why you and dad lock me out of the bedroom? I’m not stupid mom, I hear you guys (OMFG like kill me now)!!! Here we are thinking we’re being smart parents locking the door (note to reader, the doors are never shut or locked in our house lol) and being quiet. You don’t hear anything Lola, sometimes the doors in the house just lock (dam that was a great answer, I think to myself). Like when, mom? Like when you guys have sex (child I will bury you now I think to myself)! Her and her friend just start laughing.

Question #2

My daughters’ friend: so, they’re going to teach us why two grown-ups get naked and rub their butts together. Good god, how do you respond to this question? At this point I am blushing and laughing and crying all at once. Where do they come up with this? Both, so serious and confused in the back seat of the car, trying to grasp how two butts go together and what happens when the doors are locked. I’m fucking dying laughing at this point!  I can’t call my daughters friends mom fast enough (I am so thankful all my daughters friend’s parents are ALL flipping awesome)!

All I can think of is WTF Jenny McCarthy I’m so mad at you! You’re parenting books did not prepare me for this! Before I can even come up with answers to these questions, they are back to taking selfies. Thank you, baby Jesus, Saved by Snapchat!

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PINTEREST FAIL

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First, I would like to say THANK YOU to Pinterest for INSPIRING ladies like me since 2010!

Before I had my coffee, I didn’t know how AWESOME I was going to be!

We all have the moments after too much coffee in the morning!Those great ideas, while scrolling through Pinterest. I like to say I’m a crafty person and Pinterest has made me look like MOM of the year, many times. So, I didn’t feel like this was going to be any different. I came across a page called, “The best things you can do to your bathroom for under a $100!”  YES!! I think to myself, how hard could it be to paint a few cabinets? Update some hardware? Hang a few shelves? Put a few pictures on the wall? Decorate? I could do this, Pinterest said so! Looking back on it now and I hate to say it, my 9-year-old was right! This was a TERRIBLE idea and dad was going to kill me! Me, not her (she wants everybody to know that)!

I bought the $20 paint brush, what could possibly go wrong?

 I’m not a painter and I don’t spend a lot of time walking around hardware stores. But, why could you possibly need so many different types of paint brushes? Don’t they all have the same purpose? I grabbed the $20 paint brush, seemed like a good choice based off what, not a clue (I’m a party planner, I sell fun not paint brushes), grabbed some painters tape and onto the next item on my list. I needed to buy shelves and brackets? While in the shelving isle a store employee asks me if I need help with anything?  Yes, I need some shelves to hang in my bathroom (I show him a picture of my Pinterest inspiration). The employee asks me what size shelves? I laugh (I didn’t have a flipping clue what size I needed). I put my arms out and said, “like this wide,” the guy looks at me and laughs (not thinking I’m serious), my daughter is shaking her head because she already knows, I’m serious. Pinterest had me aspiring to be a professional painter and interior decorator all before 9am, there was NO turning back at this point!

And that is how the cookie crumbles

Note to reader don’t buy the cheap painters tape, it doesn’t work (if your a painter you probably already know that. I’m a moron…stop reading now) and the $20 paint brush doesn’t do anything more than the $2 paint brush.  Flash forward to a few hours later. I have put 300 holes in the wall trying to find the studs to hang the shelves. Either the stud finder is broken or I’m completely insane (I’m going with the stud finder is broken). I have blue paint everywhere (my bathroom was all white). The paint is peeling off the cabinets, they probably needed to be primed or sanded first (don’t judge me), maybe taken the door off the hinges and NOT painted those too!  All I know is that my new-found career was dying fast and my fiancé is going to be home soon and he was going to KILL me! The bathroom was a flipping disaster!

Pinterest Fail

I wish I would have taken before and after pictures of my bathroom remodel or filmed my fiancé coming home freaking out, but I didn’t. My Pinterest Masterpieces were NEVER this bad, just your typical baking and craft failures. What I have learned from this experience……..when you want something done around the house, tell your husband your going to buy paint and a paint brush then get out of the way!

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