(because I’m sure there will be 500 more chapters to this)
While driving in the car with my daughter and her friend we started talking about them going into fifth grade next year. I was asking them the basic mom questions like; are you excited? Are you nervous? Blah, Blah, Blah. Both start giggling like little girls do and say, “they must take a sex class.” I start laughing…..you mean Sex Education? They start giggling even more and say, yes! Then before I could get my ducks in a row or even find my dam ducks, the flipping questions start!
My daughter: Are they going to teach me why you and dad lock me out of the bedroom? I’m not stupid mom, I hear you guys (OMFG like kill me now)!!! Here we are thinking we’re being smart parents locking the door (note to reader, the doors are never shut or locked in our house lol) and being quiet. You don’t hear anything Lola, sometimes the doors in the house just lock (dam that was a great answer, I think to myself). Like when, mom? Like when you guys have sex (child I will bury you now I think to myself)! Her and her friend just start laughing.
My daughters’ friend: so, they’re going to teach us why two grown-ups get naked and rub their butts together. Good god, how do you respond to this question? At this point I am blushing and laughing and crying all at once. Where do they come up with this? Both, so serious and confused in the back seat of the car, trying to grasp how two butts go together and what happens when the doors are locked. I’m fucking dying laughing at this point! I can’t call my daughters friends mom fast enough (I am so thankful all my daughters friend’s parents are ALL flipping awesome)!
All I can think of is WTF Jenny McCarthy I’m so mad at you! You’re parenting books did not prepare me for this! Before I can even come up with answers to these questions, they are back to taking selfies. Thank you, baby Jesus, Saved by Snapchat!